Although I typically write about my DIY adventures, there are times when life and projects stand still for a bit, or maybe that’s what we want them to do. This is the week of March 26. The date that was originally supposed to be the start of a new and exciting adventure, but all that dissolved after the miscarriage.
Probably typical of any grieving process, there is a series of marks and dates that you have to get through. It starts with the first day, then the week, then the month of not being pregnant anymore. In between there are little things that become subtle reminders, even just going somewhere and the thought of ‘Last time I was here I was pregnant.’ Going to the doctor was hard. I had to get blood tests seven times post miscarriage and it felt like there was a little less air there. Although the pregnant technician was nice, I felt like saying, “Thanks for the weekly reminder yet again,” but I should have been happy for her.
Then it was Nov. 12, the day we would have found out the sex, which is something I still can’t get over. I know it was the right thing for us not to find out, but some days I just want to know. And tomorrow is the date I have both dreaded and anticipated: March 26 is the last of the dates, but it’s the date.
Six months later, it sounds like a simple concept, but I feel like I can better appreciate that there is no controlling life. And I also appreciate that people have gone through far worse things than this…the CT shootings, my childhood friends lost their two year old…so many tragedies in life. People try to make you feel better by saying, “God has a plan,” but, coupled with the sinful world/free will concept, that can get pretty confusing. And then during hard times, you think ‘This is God’s plan? Really?’ That said, I haven’t been driven to agnosticism, but lately I’ve found more comfort and clarity in “God has a plan to get you through it.” And He has and is, and I still have faith.
But tomorrow I don’t want to think about any plans. I want to focus on hope, which reminded me of an Emily Dickinson poem that I used to discuss with my sophomores (boy, do I miss those poetry discussions!): ““Hope” is a thing with feathers“. I love Dickinson’s simple metaphor of hope; Through it all, it’s still perched in my soul, and it’s free. I will be sad tomorrow, no doubt, but I can try to keep my focus on that hope to get through it.
Speaking of hope, one of my former students sent me this touching story called “Never Let Go” about a 1 lb., 4 oz. preemie born four months early, which I couldn’t stop reading. If you want a story of hope, it’s good one. He also pointed me to “Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage” by Jon Cohen. Cohen’s investigative reporting uncovers the latest information about miscarriage, which is still a mystery, really, but he gives some clarity on the topic. Some of my friends have asked why I would want to read a book about miscarriage, especially if we want to try to have another baby. I find it interesting, it’s as simple as that. Maybe it’s also the love of journalism in my blood, I don’t know, but Part 3 of his book is devoted to hope, and who doesn’t want to read about that?
You may be wondering what the picture of the woman with the sewing machine at the top has to do with my miscarriage. After we decided to name the baby, the first unisex name that popped into my head was “Taylor.” We looked up the meaning and, big surprise, it meant “tailor.” I wasn’t crazy about the meaning at first, but then I felt like God was telling us that Taylor would help us “mend” from above somehow.
A few months later this came in the mail.
My parents donated a sewing machine through World Vision in Taylor’s honor. I was touched – It was so perfect, and I obviously loved it, too, because I am a DIY gal.
But I love the message: Because of this gift…their future is brighter…a future of promise for a woman in poverty.
Hope.
Such a thoughtful gift from your parents, and I love the significance of the name Taylor…helping you "mend." "I feel like I can better appreciate that there is no controlling life." Wise words, friend! Praying for you today, and thank you for the reminder of the hope we have in Christ!
Thank you so much, Amanda! 🙂
Brought tears to my eyes… thanks for sharing from your heart so beautifully. Praying for you today.
Thank you so much, Kari! 🙂
Oh Debby, I will be thinking of you and praying for you as you move past one more date. I love the name Taylor and the sewing machine story. Brought tears to my eyes. I love your beautiful faith in the midst of such pain. What an inspiration to me. I'm sure God is smiling down on you in love. Hopeful for your future and your continued healing. Hugs.
Thank you, Kelly! 🙂